Background

          I was adopted at the age of 5 with my brother Nick who was 8. We were born in Tula, Russia and I have been having a desire to go back for awhile. Now that I am in college and get to make most of my own decisions,  I have realized what I want to do but do not know how to bring it up to my parents. I am not close to, on a personal level, to my Mom and Dad here in the States. I do not understand who I am or why I turned out to be this way. It is hard to look at the people around me and know that they have knowledge of why they look the way that they do, even if they do not understand who they are. I do not know anything about my family back in Russia, let alone the culture in general which makes me sad. I am going to try relearning Russian next year because when my brother and I came to the U.S. we learned English in 3 months so we could start school. 
          I understand the life that I am living here is amazing, I am so privileged to be able to have food, shelter, and freedom. I can not imagine where I would be right now if I was still in Russia. I know I was born in a very corrupt place but it does not ease my mind to not know anything about where I originally came from. This past Summer was the first time I had met anyone else who was adopted from Russia. I am looking for someone to understand me, to be able to open up just as much as I am willing to. I know it is a hard subject but if you do not face it  then I think you will not be satisfied with your life in the end. Life seems surreal but it is as real as it can get, I am learning to embrace it. I have realized that I am not alive and in this country without a higher power helping me along the way, God. I have many doubts everyday but I need to realize to have faith and not think with my brain but with my heart.